Forgiveness in this place is not some intellectual exercise; it’s reality. It’s a daily need. Mother Martha wasn’t discussing some esoteric theological point; she was directly telling the people in her care to work at something some of them don’t want to even consider.

Just very recently, he reached a point where his anger sometimes got much bigger, and more out of his control, in a way that I think scares him a little. At more or less at the same time, he started understand a little better when he has hurt someone, and to say “I’m sorry” when that happens.

It’s a situation where I need to be very clear that hurting others is not an ok way to express anger. But forgiveness is very much needed. So far, I’ve been thanking him for his apology, asking if we can be friends again, and showing that forgiveness in hugs and sharing some playtime or a story. But I share you desire that there was maybe some better way to do this.

Perhaps “I forgive you” seems stiff because we use it too little? That’s what got me thinking that perhaps we could use more practice. That doesn’t have to happen in liturgy, but perhaps it could.

But when someone tells me he or she is sorry, I find myself stammering a bit. “I forgive you” is awfully stiff, and seems to give all the power in the exchange to the forgiver. I often end up with something like, “That’s all right,” but that minimizes the real offense for which the person is apologizing, and thus trivializes the apology.

I would love to find a formula as simple and rich as “you’re welcome” that conveys, “yes, you hurt me. I thank you for having acknowledged that hurt, and for having taken the first step toward repairing our relationship. I forgive you and invite you to forgive yourself. Now let’s move forward together in love, both of us having learned something in the process.”

Here is the Prayer of Ephraim the Syrian, referred to in Schmemann’s article -

O Lord and Master of my life
take from me the spirit of sloth
faint-heartedness, lust of power
and idle talk.

But give rather the spirit of chastity,
humility, patience, and love to thy servant.

Yea, O Lord and King
grant me to see my own errors
and not to judge my brother;
for Thou art blessed unto the ages of ages.

Amen.

A few links:

• A text for the vespers, although the forgiveness ritual only has a passing mention at the very bottom of the page
• A nice piece about Forgiveness Sunday, by orthodox liturgy scholar Alexander Schmemann.
• A nice personal account of the forgiveness ritual, which was apparently on NPR about 10 years ago.